The De-Blunders
by Krystal Anime
Summary: This is a totally accurate, scene by scene description of The Defenders. Nothing was left out. Nothing was rearranged or cut short. Any deviations are the show's fault, not this fanfic's. And I own Marvel.


This is a totally accurate, scene by scene description of The Defenders. Nothing was left out. Nothing was rearranged or cut short. Any deviations are the show's fault, not this fanfic's. And I own Marvel.

Let's begin!

Danny had put on his favorite Danny suit this morning. It was really expensive. He felt really smart as he reached the correct floor of Midland Circle company's building, and walked into the conference room.

A bunch of executives, seated at an oblong table, turned their heads in his direction when he walked through the door.

Danny demanded in his best, whiniest voice, "Danny wants to know who is in charge!"

"I'm in charge." said Ripley ... err … Alexander.

And then, Danny didn't know what hit him.

One moment it was a normal business meeting, and the next moment it was an epic battle. Just like a video game Danny had played. All the executives suddenly turned into ninjas.

Then, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, and Zorro busted into the conference room.

They began to fight the ninjas, alongside Danny.

 _This is just like in my dream!_ Danny thought, giddy at the idea that he now had a purpose.

The fight spilled out into the hallway. Zorro warned them that some _thing_ was coming their way.

When Matthew recognized that the breath of this _thing_ belonged to his late beloved's, what did he feel? Was it shock? Followed closely by a flood of hope and tears that he had been damming up since the day she died? Was the inevitable rush of emotion from finding someone you thought you'd lost forever about to throw off his ability to think, even for a moment?

No.

Matthew casually returned with his newly formed and half-unknown allies into the elevator and left Midland Circle's building.

At the Chinese restaurant...

The newly formed group was having a big argument over their actions today.

Luke tells them, "We're not a team, we're a time bomb."

Danny leaned back in his chair, "Danny likes time bombs … and pork." He downed another pork roll. And another.

Luke pointed at Matthew, "And I don't trust you. Why are you the only one hiding your identity?"

Matthew holds up his hands, "It's because I'm trying to lead two separate lives, and I'm in denial about my obsession with putting on a suit and fighting crime..."

Jessica whispers to Matthew, "Dude, everyone's going to find out eventually. You suck at hiding it."

Matthew sighs, "Fine." He takes off the scarf.

Then Stick enters from the shadows.

Luke looks at Stick's bloody wrist, "What happened to your hand?"

Stick, "Oh I cut it off this morning, being tough."

Matthew, "Don't listen to this old man, he's a jerk!"

Danny, "How did you find us?"

Stick grabs Danny's cell phone, which Danny was currently using to post selfies and updates to Facebook. The last one was titled _hanging with my new friends at my new restaurant_. "Because you're stupid, Danny." He crushed Danny's cell phone.

Jessica, "Ok, I give up. This is all too stupid for me. I'm out."

Stick, "Shut up and sit down."

Jessica leaves.

Ripley-er-Alexander greets the four left in the restaurant that Danny now owns. It's Danny's newest restaurant. Danny's favorite restaurant. And then, the badguys trash it.

Zombie Elektra enters and does her master's bidding.

But then, Jessica Jones throws a car into the restaurant.

Nobody respects Danny's newest restaurant nor his love of pork.

Sometime later, after the capture and beheading of one of the Hand guys in an old abandoned theater, the team has an argument and decides that Danny needs to be tied up.

Danny protests, "What? No! Danny protests!"

Jessica, "It's for your own good … and mostly ours." she knocks him out with a super punch.

Stick pulls the ropes tied around an unconscious Danny with his teeth.

Luke asks him, "Are you sure that's tight enough?"

Stick, "No of course it isn't. I've lost my hand, I can't tighten anything well anymore. But Danny's too dumb to know any better."

They smirk and wait for him to wake up.

Danny sat in his chair. Still thinking on how he was going to get out of it.

Stick's incense was really smokey. Really really smokey. It made Danny uncomfortable. Apparently it make Luke uncomfortable too because he went over to talk to the old man about it.

Suddenly, Luke fell over, coughing and struggling to stay conscious.

Stick walked over him, taking out his sword, and moving towards Danny.

Danny was nervous, "W-what are you going to do to Danny?"

Stick, "I'm going to kill you so the Hand can't use you. … and since you're annoying, I'll make it painful … really really painful!"

Then Stick was killed by Zombie Elektra.

Then Jessica and Matthew came out of nowhere to beat her up.

Chaos ensued.

Danny felt a rush of adrenaline. Luke was down. The old man was dead. And his last two allies were fighting their most powerful enemy in a desperate struggle to protect him. This was it. It was now or never. Danny had to do something to save himself and the world from this madness. This was the kind of situation that tested mettle. That built character. It was time to show everyone just what kind of person the Immortal Iron Fist really was.

"DANNY POWERS ACTIVATE!"

Danny immediately fainted and let himself get captured by Zombie Elektra.

Zombie Elektra takes Danny to the Hand guys. Then she kills Ripley Alexander and takes over the Hand.

The three Hand guys that are left don't seem to mind. They were tired of watching all four Alien movies and didn't want another one with Ripley. Oh, and also, Zombie Elektra was going to do what they wanted with Danny anyway.

Zombie Elektra takes Danny to Midland Circle's basement. Danny wakes up.

Danny, "Ow, Danny's head hurts."

Zombie Elektra, "I haven't hurt you yet."

Danny, "Yeah, Danny's just been thinking too much. It hurts."

Zombie Elektra, "Punch this wall with your glowing fist."

Danny, "ok."

Boom! Danny ended up in a cave filled with dinosaur bones!

Grandma Hand took a crew down to Midland Circle's basement to extract _the substance_. Turns out it was dinosaur bones all along!

Grandma Hand looks at all the dinosaur bones hungrily. She thinks about her ancient cookbook back in her office, and all the different dinosaur bone recipes she'll get to try once again. Soon … very soon.

She begins to tell Zombie Elektra about some of her favorite recipes. But all Zombie Elektra wants to know about is what will happen to New York. Grandma Hand tells her they'll blow it up. Because why not?

Danny has been forgotten. Left alone. Clearly visible to all, yet ignored. As if he wasn't considered a threat.

He overhears what Grandma Hand has said to Zombie Elektra.

 _Oh no!_ Danny thinks to himself, _Its up to Danny to save everyone!_

Danny rushes at the nearest badguy grinding up dino bones and starts a short-lived fight which ends with him being captured again.

Meanwhile, the 3 Defenders and Colleen and Claire are gathered together in a Midland Circle lobby, deciding on what to do with Colleen's big bag of C4.

Luke voices his opinion, "... I don't think we should."

Matthew chimes in, "I actually think it's a good idea."

Everyone looks at the man who has sworn to never kill anyone.

Luke, "There's a lot of other people who could get hurt from a giant building falling down."

Matthew, "No it's fine, I only sense the 3 hand guys in the building. We'd only be killing them and no one else."

Luke, "What about all the other guys we just knocked out in the parking lot?"

Matthew, "No, it's fine, they'll be ok."

Luke, "What?! No they won't!"

Jessica, "Come on, Luke, everyone wants to blow up the building. Just go along with it."

Luke, "No! This is wrong!"

Claire, "I think it's right."

Luke, "What?! Claire, how could you?"

Claire, "Yeah I know I'm a nurse who normally is against hurting people, but, I mean come on, we're already here, with the C4, and these hand guys are the final boss. Let's get this over with."

Luke, holds his head, "I really need to stop hanging out with the wrong crowd."

Jessica, "Come on, Luke. Everyone's doing it. Be cool like us."

Luke gives in to peer pressure, "... fine ..."

Luke, Jessica, and Matthew go down the elevator to the basement of Midland Circle.

As they descend, Matthew senses about 30 badguys below them.

Luke, "Hmm, should we contact Colleen and Claire and let them know to _not_ blow up the building after all? You know, since there are more people's lives at stake than just the Hand?"

Matthew, "No it's fine."

Luke shrugs, "... ok ..."

Jessica, "You know, it's a really good thing that the Hand didn't set up a bunch of booby traps on their big important elevator down to their most important cave."

Both men agreed.

Colleen and Claire were skipping along with their bag of C4.

Colleen pushes Claire playfully, " _You're_ not worthless."

Claire smiles, "No, _you're_ not worthless."

Colleen giggles.

Suddenly, a finger of the Hand guys appears. Its Colleen's old young master, with a sword. Colleen and Claire hide.

Old young master, "I'll find you."

Colleen jumps out, "Oh darn, you found me!"

Old young master, "Actually, I didn't know you were here. I just took a shot in the psychological dark just in case you were in this room. I've been saying it in every room. … You just revealed yourself on your own."

Colleen, "I'M NOT WORTHLESS!" She runs at him with her sword.

While they fight, Claire looks for something heavy to hit the old young master with. But another badguy comes through the door and sees her.

Badguy, "Hey!"

Claire, " #%!"

Claire hits him on the head with the wrench because, fortunately for her, he was a stupid badguy.

Then, another badguy comes through the door. This one's not as stupid. Poor Claire is a white mage, not a fighter. Her wrench is a level 1 weapon and is no match for this badguy.

Just before he kills her, the badguy gets killed instead. By Supercop Misty Knight!

Supercop looks at the sword battle with Colleen and old young master, "What the-?!"

Colleen had flubbed and got cut by the sword. Now old young master was approaching them menacingly.

Supercop shot some holes into him. It didn't phase him. He raised his sword and chopped off Supercop's arm?!

Then Colleen got up and chopped old young master's head off. Finally!

Supercop, "Could you have done that sooner?!"

Suddenly, they all hear beeping. It's the bomb. It's armed!

Matthew hears the beeping of the bomb from all the way down in dino bone cave. He lets the team know they need to get out of here.

They get in the elevator, but Matthew stays behind.

Jessica, "Come on, we need to go!"

Matthew, "No, I'm not coming." He looks over at Zombie Elektra, "We're getting married. Right here."

Jessica, "Um..."

Then, Matthew walks over to Danny and whispers in his ear, "Danny, in my apartment, there's a batman costume. I want you to put it on-"

"What? No! Danny hates batman-!"

"-put it on and pretend to be me. Protect my city in my place … as batman."

Matthew then turns and heads back to his beloved Zombie Elektra, who has been politely waiting for them to finish chatting before she goes back to kicking Matthew's butt.

Jessica, Luke and Danny head to the elevator and start to go up.

A lot of badguys hurry to try and catch a ride.

Luke calls down to Matthew, "Oh, hey, should we try to save these guys?"

Matthew, "Oh, no it's fine. I'm cool with letting them die."

The heroes (?) make it out and stand safely (?) away from the blast that shoots glass and shrapnel out from the building, which then collapses into a neat pile at or below street level, with little more than a puff of smoke.

Much later, Foggy is explaining it to Luke and Claire.

Luke, "So, what you're saying, is that we all got away with blowing up a building and killing people Scott free?"

Foggy, "Yeah, since the building no longer exists, the law says the company never existed, and therefore it and it's employees do not exist. So nothing was blown up, and no one was killed. It's an interesting loophole in our law."

Luke, "Huh..."

Meanwhile, deep underground, in the dino bone cave, Matthew gets fed a spoonful of cake. He chokes and comes back to life, searching around, confused.

Zombie Elektra looks lovingly at him. In her right hand is the empty spoon. And in her left is the rest of the dessert.

Matthew, "Elektra? Is … is that … cake?"

Zombie Elektra nods, "Mmm hmm. Wedding cake."

Matthew, "What? Where did you get that?"

Zombie Elektra, "Oh I made it. It's a recipe I recently learned from a colleague."

Matthew, "The taste is … different."

Zombie Elektra, "Yes, you could say the main ingredient is … prehistoric."

And that is the totally accurate, word-for-word recount of Marvel's The Defenders.

…

Completely serious, you guys.

…

Danny powers activate!


End file.
